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this is love
a pretty thing
on an ugly street

(no subject) [Jul. 22nd, 2009|02:22 am]
i have scarlet fever. stuff like this only happens to me, i swear to god.

again. [Jul. 9th, 2009|11:45 am]
i wish i could write again.
write again


the words all go slip sliding away from me, like so many little fish in a sea of ideas. a vast sea. a swarm. i am surrounded and yet i can't seem to grasp onto a single one. not one little slippery fish. not one little complete idea. my train of thought scatters. i am lost at sea...


the boat is sinking. holes in the boat, holes in my head. slowly the water surrounds me and as i start to squirm and gasp for breath, fragments of words and sentances spill from my lips. where is the-? how did i-? the story... the sounds... the words... paddle. life. water. stop. end.


i wish i could remember. i wish i could remember what i did before to make everything come so easy. where did the words go? why did they stop? how do i get them back? so many questions to be asked, and i can't answer a single one of them.

i... i... i...

i am drowning. the water's empty. the words are gone. they've all swam away from me, so far away, i can never catch them now. i give up. i sink. my head empties. my lungs empty. i am gone.

the words are gone.

...and i guess i'll never be able to write

my life sucks [Dec. 25th, 2008|01:01 am]
just found out i was the victim of credit card fraud in september and since it was over 60 days ago i don't get any of my money back. merry christmas, asshole.

you probably just shouldn't read this at all. [Dec. 4th, 2008|09:31 pm]
I hate when I have hours and hours of idle time where my mind runs wild and away from me. I hate having time to think about everything that's wrong and everything I believe and everything that will never ever happen not in a million years never. My head and my heart are constantly at war. My soul is separate from both of them. Just don't pay any attention to any of this, okay? I'm just rambling. Always, always.

"They" always say that life isn't worth living without love. I've heard it somewhere, I know it. Someone wrote it sometime. A lot of people believe it. But if it's true, than what's the point of living if love is the one truly unattainable thing for me in my whole life? I am a perfect little product of my upbringing. I'm not saying that someone someday won't be able to love me (although it's entirely possible). What I'm saying is that when and if that person comes, I will inevitably love them more, and even that won't be enough to keep me. I was not brought up to believe that anything, especially love, could last forever. Hell, from what I've seen, it doesn't even last a while. But the love I want is the kind that lasts forever. That's almost suffocating in its intensity... but I already know with every fiber of my being I'll never find it. And so I'll keep wandering in and out of conditional relationships, searching aimlessly, maybe breaking some hearts, but mostly just shattering my own. Time and time again.

Lately I'm finding it hard to really care about anything. Even things I'm supposed to care about, especially those things. The future looks bleak and empty and I don't care. I have nowhere to live when I get home and I actually don't care. I should probably start school and take steps towards starting my life but I don't want to and I don't care about that either. It's winter, and as usual, I'm bound to be in a "low" mood. But this is different than before. Than all the other times. This isn't the crippling, suffocating, isolating depression I'm used to feeling this time of year. I don't burst into tears over nothing. I don't cry about anything at all. I don't feel like separating myself from my friends because I feel worthless and horrible. I don't feel worthless and horrible. I don't feel anything. I feel absolutely empty and void. An empty space. An empty life. Empty. Empty. Emptying.

I talked to my aunt recently about starting school. I feel like I should go, even though I'm not motivated whatsoever to do so and I actually don't want to be anything when I "grow up". She asked me what I planned on taking and I said I didn't know. I said maybe Social Work but I don't really want to be a Social Worker. I said maybe Theater but I don't want to work in theater. I said maybe film but I don't want to work in film. I said maybe writing but everything I write is shit and I don't feel like putting in the effort to get better, so I don't want to be a writer. She then asked me what made me happy. Told me that would help me decide, but I honestly could not think of one single thing career-wise. There is absolutely no job in the world I can think of that I want. I just want to do nothing, and I am actually okay with that. If I could sit at home all day and do absolutely nothing, that would be the job I want. It's probably because I'm lazy... whatever.

I think I need help, but help costs money and there are other people so much more worse off than I am, so I don't want help. I'm sure I'll figure myself out sooner or later, and if I don't, I'll pretend that I have.

But this is just nonsense anyways.

the title is a secret because then you would know. [Nov. 25th, 2008|10:54 pm]
[feels |blankblank]

i have spent (many) years of my life
a shit
AND caring
way too much
about the opinions of
the blank eyes and blank faces and black hearts
that stare at me like
a car crash victim,
blood spurting
from eyes, ears, mouth, and nose -
barely breathing, barely seeing just (barely)
existing, only
minutes from death and miles from life
on the inside.
they watch me on the flickering t.v. screens
in their heads and in their hearts
as i make bad choices
one too many drinks from the bottle
one too many boys
and forget...
they watch me
forget the nights they will remember
who i was and who i
to be
forget forget forget
my mother taught me
all about strangers and drugs and the dark.

i have decided to make bad decisions
(you will never stop me now).


(no subject) [Aug. 17th, 2008|12:55 am]
[feels |happyhappy]
[hears |space and the woods by late of the pier]

I think they're right when they say that you can never go back. You can't. Not really. Nothing is ever the same. Things aren't where you left them. People aren't where you left them. And people change. You change. Every day might feel the same. You may feel the same; but every day you're another day older and another day different. You can never go back.

And so you can only move forward, into new familiar spaces and the same new situations. You meet people you've talked to a hundred times. You look in the mirror and see the same different face. Each day changes us, even if we don't notice. Each day changes us, little changes, and suddenly a year goes by and you're a different person. You don't even know who you were a year ago. And the people you know now? They aren't the same as the people you knew.

Life is like a bus. A rollercoaster. A plane. A train. A car. Life is like a million things, but the one thing they have in common is that the acceleration is stuck. We're always going forward. Faster and faster forward. And the brakes are cut, the windows nailed shut, and the doors are locked closed from the outside. So we're trapped for the ride. We can bang on the walls if we want to, it does nothing but make us miserable. Or we can just accept it and make the best of things.

I wish I was the kind of person who could make the best of things.

I've been banging on the walls forever, and I don't know if I'll stop. All I really want is to get off.

The Re-animator. [Aug. 8th, 2008|11:20 am]
[feels |bouncybouncy]
[hears |marduk t-shirt men`s room incident by the mountain goats]

Lately I have been writing in my actual paper journal, so no updates here. But things are going well. I`m moving back up to Northern Ireland for five months in a few days... which means I should start packing but I`m so lazy that I`ll do it last minute like always.
I`m going to miss Galway, but I`ll be back in January, so it`s okay.
Last night I watched the movie `The Re-animator` at Tessa`s... and it was the most disturbing old horror movie I have ever seen. Not because it was gory (because it was), or scary (because it wasn`t), but because of this nasty ass sexual scene between an old ``zombie`` whose head had been cut off so he held it and this young girl who he stripped down and strapped to a table. I was screaming and squirming and laughing sooo hard but wanting to vomit it was so disturbing. I don`t really suggest it, unless you want your skin to crawl.
Then go for it!

(no subject) [Jul. 26th, 2008|10:18 pm]
[feels |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[hears |chicago by joseph arthur and the lonely astronauts]

Apparenty I am going on a date??
Link4 comments|disconnected

sometimes i really wonder HOW i have friends. [Jul. 23rd, 2008|02:18 am]
[feels |cynicalcynical]
[hears |into your hideout by pilate]

i am so tired but i can't sleep. i won't sleep. i won't let myself.
the future has me tied up in knots. as far as i can see, it hold nothing. for someone with such little time (only a lifetime, which is really nothing when you think about it in context) i should be out THERE enjoying every precious little succulent sweet second. instead, i am in HERE content to sit and watch the sun pass over through my window. i might as well be counting down the seconds until i die. i feel like a balloon whose string was cut and so i'm floating aimless through a vast empty sky.
a vast empty life...
i wish that someone would come around and just scream "LIVE" into my ears until i became deaf with it. then maybe i would get out of bed. i would see the sun. i would finally get my head out of my useless dreams and try to make some of them come true.
but i'm such a chicken; i'm so lazy, that i never will. i will always have my head stuck in a book, my thoughts lost in dreams, until suddenly it's
"time's up"
life's over.
too bad you lived it all with your head in the clouds and your feet in the air. poor little balloon...

you'll only have the memories of what never happened.


(no subject) [Jul. 22nd, 2008|05:24 pm]
[feels |nostalgicnostalgic]

I am trying not to be so negative.
It is having the opposite affect.

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