[

feels

|

blank

]

i have spent (many) years of my life
not
really
giving
a shit
AND caring
way too much
about the opinions of
the blank eyes and blank faces and black hearts
that stare at me like
a car crash victim,
blood spurting
from eyes, ears, mouth, and nose -
barely breathing, barely seeing just (barely)
existing, only
minutes from death and miles from life
on the inside.
they watch me on the flickering t.v. screens
in their heads and in their hearts
watching
as i make bad choices
take
one too many drinks from the bottle
kiss
one too many boys
and forget...
what?
they watch me
forget the nights they will remember
forget
who i was and who i
wanted
to be
forget forget forget
everything
my mother taught me
all about strangers and drugs and the dark.

i have decided to make bad decisions
(you will never stop me now).
 

[	feels	|	cynical	]
[	hears	|	into your hideout by pilate	]

i am so tired but i can't sleep. i won't sleep. i won't let myself.
the future has me tied up in knots. as far as i can see, it hold nothing. for someone with such little time (only a lifetime, which is really nothing when you think about it in context) i should be out THERE enjoying every precious little succulent sweet second. instead, i am in HERE content to sit and watch the sun pass over through my window. i might as well be counting down the seconds until i die. i feel like a balloon whose string was cut and so i'm floating aimless through a vast empty sky.
a vast empty life...
i wish that someone would come around and just scream "LIVE" into my ears until i became deaf with it. then maybe i would get out of bed. i would see the sun. i would finally get my head out of my useless dreams and try to make some of them come true.
but i'm such a chicken; i'm so lazy, that i never will. i will always have my head stuck in a book, my thoughts lost in dreams, until suddenly it's
"time's up"
life's over.
too bad you lived it all with your head in the clouds and your feet in the air. poor little balloon...

you'll only have the memories of what never happened.

[	feels	|	lonely	]
[	hears	|	let your good heart lead you home by the editors	]

I walked through crowded shopping center aisles looking at housewares and trying not to cry. In the strangest places I missed my friends. Smelling candles, staring at strangers, looking at towels, I missed my friends. More than ever today I felt lonely. There were strangers and stranger still, not a familiar face. Everyone moves so fast and no one stops to look around. Everyone just moved around me. I was a roadblock on the way to somewhere else.
Everyone moves way too fast here, sadly, and no one ever seems to smile.
I miss your voice, and your laugh, and your smile, and your eyes. I wanted to gather you all up in a crowd and hug you and never let you go... but my arms are too small to reach all of you now. We're moving through different spaces now. We're only on the periphery of each others lives and moving quickly outward. We hear about each other through the grapevine when all I wish I could hear is your voices, together, yelling and shouting until there is nothing else. Just a noise that I am used to. A comfortable sound.

I didn't think it would be like this.


once you've gone girl, you can't come back 
i am worried about you